99 (Yule) Problems

99 yule problems by keith_is_good
(With apologies to Jay-Z)

If you're havin yule problems I feel bad for you son,
I got 99 Problems but your gift ain't one.

I'm on gift wrap patrol, festive bags and rolls
Folks wanna make sure these packs is closed
Wife's chirpin' "there's too much tape on Joe's"
I got it done hun, so what kind of facts are those?
If you be tying bows til the Rapture goes
You'd be medicating with some marshmallows
I'm like, look honey, lets go find some misletoe
Suggle on the sofa with some hot cocoas.
Turn on the radio or some chrismas shows
Mall shopping trip? We ain't doin it! It's all--
Brat packs buttering up that fat man
So Santa Claus'll pull a good stash from his bag - CHUCKLES
I don't know what you take me as
or understand the jolliness that KG has
I'm all 'deck the halls,' cause it's Christmas, hun,
I got 99 problems but your gift ain't one
Christmas!

[Refrain]

The year was 94 and my stocking's full
Peal when I see that Santa brought a haul
got two choices y'all, I can call for Ma OR
Bounce to the presents throw that paper to the floor
Cause I ain't bout to sit til the family wakes at 8
Plus I 'm on the nice list, I can hardly wait!
So I, run over to the boxes and bows, I hear
"Son why are you unwrapping those?"
"Cause I'm young and I asked for a Nintendo
It's technically Christmas, dad, let me go!
Should I go back to bed or rip some more?"
"You realize, son,  it's 5:54!
It's night an mom's sleeping, outside it's still dark
Sugarplum visions and the nativity star!"
"I already opened this gift! It's too late to quit"
"If your mom sees that, she's gonna throw a fit."
"I'll pull it out the box, hook it up real fast
We'll play a few rounds, then we'll put it back!"
"Ha! Aren't you sharp as a tack;
You got this all planned, son? Like Santa's elf or somethin?"
"Ain't from the north pole but I know a lil' bit
Open something early you gotta re-wrap it!"
"I see how smart you are, you unwrap this one."
Got 99 Problems but my gift ain't one.
Christmas!

[Refrain] x2

Once upon a time not too long ago
Reindeer named Rudolph had a shiny nose
Now this ain't a nose in the sense of havin a sniffer
But a sniffer glowing lightbulb red -- What a Shimmer!
Peers deplored him, tried to ignored him
In Reindeer games they wouldn't let him perform
But then one night, fog obscuring sight
Santa was in need of a Sliegh Light
Christmas may not happen
But fat man started clappin
"Rudy lead my Sliegh and be my Reindeer Captain!"
Nose blazin bright you can save Christmas
Deliver all these presents to the nice list kids
Now the Reindeer love him, watch Rudolph run,
He got 99 problems delivering gifts ain't one
Christmas!

[Refrain] x3

You crazy for this, Saint Nick!
Ho! Ho! Ho!

On this, the penultimate step to my becoming:

MOST ULTIMATE POTENTATE OF THE NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM.™

I went in expecting the ultimate potency of NES's Silver Surfer to shrivel my gonads and instantly turn all my hair grey. Released by Arcadia Systems in 1990, Silver Surfer is lauded by many as the most difficult game ever produced for the Nintendo Entertainment System. Similar to Konami's Life Force, Silver Surfer is a space shooter, which alternates between overhead and side-scrolling levels.  Unlike Life Force, Silver Surfer is packed with near-unavoidable one-hit-deaths, baddies who eat bullets like candy and confusing background/foreground sprites.

I think the Angry Video Game Nerd said it best:
"Silver Surfer... silver shit."

The image currently floating
though my field of vision.

PREAMBLE:
The gameplay opens with a Mega Man-style Stage Select screen. I played every stage. I died many times. When asked to enter my initials for a high score, I rebelliously wrote 'A$$.' It got to the point where Morose Silver Surfer (your reward for dying) burned into my very retinas. For a being imbued with the Power Cosmic, there's a lot of shit that can kill the Silver Surfer. It would seem Arcadia Systems decided Hemophilia and Osteoporosis are side effects of the Power Cosmic, because EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH KILLS YOU. EVEN RUBBER DUCKIES.

Hardcore Wrapper

Kids Shows in Real Life

Of the TEN HARDEST NES GAMES OF ALL TIME, Ninja Gaiden is the only I've owned since its release. Which means I've been ragequitting at Stage 5-4 (bloody Bloody Malth) for 22 years. Released by Tecmo (Ready! Down! Hut Hut Hut Hut Hut Hut Hut...) in 1989, Ninja Gaiden is a side-scrolling beat 'em up following young Ryu Hayabusa as he journeys to America to avenge his fallen Father. Through various cut scenes, this story expands to include the CIA, Possessed Statues, the Amazon and a Furry named Jaquio.

The Original Angry Birds.

None of the plot really matters, of course, because this game is EFFING HARD ("That's what she said"). How hard is Ninja Gaiden? The game's difficulty can be completely encapsulated with two simple words: Infinite Birds. You want to jump over to that ladder? Well this army of white falcons would rather you just jump into that bottomless pit. And guess what? The birds win every time.

Oh, and there's also the inconvenience of losing a Boss Battle, but we'll get to that later.

Kids Shows in Real Life

Kids Shows in Real Life

If the Nation of Glitchy Games were to revolt against their despot (E.T. for Atari), the rebels would name NES's Ghosts'n Goblins as Prime Minister. Ported from Capcom's arcade machine by Micronics (the same asshats company who shat Ikari Warriors) in 1986, Ghosts'n Goblins is famous for two things: awesome Engrish and terrible glitches. With it's brain-melting Japanese to English translation in mind, I loaded the cart and started Level Seven of my quest to become

NINTENDO ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM IN THE MOST EXTREME POWER!™

I can't tonight, honey--I'm going to
be abducted by a demon.

STAGE 1:

I'm not positive on plot specifics, but upon pressing start, it looks as if the protagonist is about to get a blowjay when a demon steals his lady-friend. And because most 1st-gen NES games are about dudes chasing poon, the knight suits up and starts slaughtering the undead to get his blowjay back.

Everyday I'm shufflin'

For nine glorious seconds, I actually thought, "this game isn't so damn hard." Jump a few gravestones, kill a few zombies--no big deal. Alas, on the tenth second, Ghosts'n Goblins introduces the most difficult enemy in the entire game: the Gargoyle. He swoops with a Falcon's accuracy, fires projectiles, and taunts you with his sweet dance steps. You could run away as he swoops and try to score a few hits, but the only sure fire way to kill the Gargoyle is to employ the Elbow Glitch. Discovered by cowardice accident, if you score a hit while the Gargoyle is still sitting, run away and wait a few seconds, the Gargoyle will disappear. Later levels practically require this cowardice strategy.